Bear With Me…

I’m suffering from Postpartum Depression.

It took me a long time before I could say that out loud. I’ve had some dark, bleak days lately. Most days it is all I can do to get out of bed and take care of our basic needs.

I’m not writing about this for sympathy. I’m not even writing about it to give an excuse for not blogging over the last few months. I’m saying it because I need to say it. I need to accept it and conquer it.

I’m in the process of getting help. Being able to admit to myself that I actually had PPD was the first step. And for that, I thank my friends who have shared their experiences with me and helped me see that it’s okay and I’ll be able to get through it. I also thank my husband who is truly a saint. No one sees the behind-the-scenes chaos that he calmly sorts out. He’s a good, understanding man who is supporting me through this.

All the classic signs and symptoms were there. I just thought I was destined to be a tired, bitchy mom. I didn’t see it and it was right in front of me. Of course, there is really more to it than that. I’m oversimplifying.

Bear with me. I thought my blog was the problem, but taking a break from it helped me see the truth. I think it will also help me get through this, but I’m just not ready to come back yet.

But I will be back.

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53 Comments

  1. I’m thinking of you, Lindsey! So glad that you have a supportive husband to help you through this. Remember that I am just a few minutes away, too. I’m here!

  2. i love honesty. hugs and prayers your way. you are an amazing woman. your cooking is other world and has made my life so happy to partake in your phenomenal recipes! i wish you a recovery full of discovery and happiness.

  3. Oh Lindsey! I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. You are a brave, brave person. I’ve always thought that about you. I love you. Hang in there. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

  4. You are courageous to say it. You are courageous to be doing something about it. You are a hero.

    Take as long as you need. Even if it means that the blog fades away into nothingness. Your happiness will return someday if you just keep breathing.

  5. Many loyal readers will be ready and waiting when you’re ready.

    Your honesty is so appreciated and valued!

    Thanks for sharing it and so many wonderful through your blog!!

  6. I (and the rest of your bloggie fans) will be thinking of you and hoping that you will do whatever you need to do to feel better. Rest and be well and we’ll be waiting to read your posts when you return.

  7. I know you don’t want sympathy, but how ’bout some empathy? Depression is terrifying, it sucks the life and light right out of you, and I’m sorry you have to go through it. But trust me, even if you doubt you’ll ever be happy again, the light does come back. I promise. Take all the time you need.

    I have missed you.

  8. Aw,man Lindsey. I’m not certain what to say….I don’t know much about it. If there is anything I can do…..lemme know.

    I’ll be here when you’re ready!!
    ~ingrid

  9. You are not alone. It too my husband to help me get help after my second baby. PPD is VERY real for those of us who have experienced it. Good for you for getting help. I promise, there is light at the end of the tunnel! I have missed your recipes and look forward to your return to the food blogging world. Good luck.

  10. I had PPD with both of my girls. The hardest part for me was feeling like I couldn’t control my emotions. I remember crying for no reason at 4pm every day. Why 4pm? Who knows. That’s what’s hard about it all. It will get better, and you will get through it. Take each moment as it comes. Try to focus on things that make you smile. Remember one thing each night before you go to bed that made you smile…….and don’t focus on the things that make you sad.
    Hang in there. :)

  11. I admire you for being able to admit it and for taking steps to get help. I have been there and I know how hard it is. I really have missed your wit, photography, and recipes. You are seriously talented.
    I hope you return soon.

  12. Sorry I just left a million comments. I didn’t see the approval thing the first time. I thought I already commented but didn’t see it so commented again. Now I guess I just feel like explaining myself. :)

  13. Lindsey, you most definitely have my thoughts and prayers. You are so brave, and I can only imagine how hard this is. Thank you for sharing your story so more women can seek help too. I’ll be thinking of you.

  14. this was such a great post. thank you for sharing such hard emotions. i can’t say that i know how you feel first hand, but my husband fights depression…and it is extremely hard to watch.

    Loves,
    Evonne

  15. I cannot even imagine how hard this has been on you. But I do have an intimate relationship with depression so my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    When you do come back there will be rejoicing in the land. In the meantime take care of yourself. The blogging world needs you.

  16. Hi Lindsey. I’m so glad to hear you have the support you need. I think I had PPD that first year of my daughter’s life, but never knew it or did anything about it. I respect your honesty and openness. We have all been there in one way or another. I hope you can find light soon.

  17. I was thinking of you today, long before I read your blog. I will not say I’m sorry, but instead that I’m sending you many blessings.

    I have a quote a friend gave me from her fortune cookie :-) It says “No one conquers who doesn’t fight.”

    Words to live by.

    ((hugs))

  18. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Lindsey. I have suffered from this as well and I know how you feel. Just get well. We’ll all still be here when you’re ready to communicate. (((hugs)))

  19. So sorry to hear this Linds. I know that when I have a problem and I finally recognize and vocalize it, it seems to work itself out quicker…so there is light ahead! I have missed your wit and charm, but don’t feel like you have to come back until you’re ready. Love you!

  20. linds, your in my thoughts and prayers. i’m glad to see you back posting. you are seriously one of the biggest cooking/baking/photography inspirations to me.

  21. I’m so sorry! I’ve been terrible at reading blogs lately so I just saw this. I know how you feel – I’ve been there too. Unfortunately I didn’t realize it until much later. Next time I’ll be prepared! You can make it through this. And we still need to get together!

  22. I don’t know you, in fact this was the first time I came to your blog, for your blood orange cake recipe. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggleing with PPD. I’ve had a touch of that myself in these months after the birth of my first baby. I wish you well and hope you feel better soon. And your food and photography are lovely, thanks for sharing your amazing talents, it’s inspiring me to do better in the kitchen.

  23. Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry to hear that. But admitting the problem and seeking help are the first and most difficult steps, and you’ve accomplished them. Good luck – my heart goes out to you.

    xoxo

  24. My heart goes out to you for being so brave and facing your illness. Godspeed to you and your family. You will help others by coming forward and that alone is an incredible thing to do.

  25. The first step is recognizing, you’ve taken that. Everyone needs to be able to take a step backwards when things are out of whack in our lives even as hard as that may sound. Take the time you need to take care of yourself, and your little family. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Lauri

  26. I’m a first time reader here via Lick the Bowl Good. You are a champ for saying it out loud that you are experiencing PPD. I suffered through it for 14 months before being diagnosed.I can completely empathise with you as to how easy it is to explain away the symptoms to just being a new mum. I’m so happy for you that you are on the path to feeling better. It may not feel like it right now or for a while but it will happen. One day you will look around and realise that you haven’t cried that day or maybe for a couple of days. Or that you didn’t fall apart in a situation that previously would have had you screaming and angry. Good luck. You can do it. Lean on those who offer help. They want to help you, just let them do it. Take care, and I’ll definitely be back to read more!! Gillian.

  27. how did you determine it was PPD. I mean, how did you know it was that and not something else? I have done little research, but suddenly find myself asking myself if it’s PPD or if I’m just not as capable and cute as I once thought.

  28. KJ–

    I wasn’t completely sure and that’s what took me so long to figure things out. If I were you, I’d go see your OB or midwife and talk to them. They will have an assessment sheet that will help them gauge how you are doing. For me the signs were more serious. E-mail me if you have other questions, I’d prefer not to leave such personal info in a comment forum.

  29. Oh, sweetheart. Somehow I missed this post, though when you showed up now and then on Twitter, I felt the silence. While I’ve had my ups and downs ( LOTSA downs), thankfully, PPD was not one of them. Glad you’re getting help, proud of your courage in speaking out. It will pass. Hang in there as well as you’re able .
    lovingly,
    katrina

  30. I suffered from PPD severely with both of my children. With my first one I didnt know what was going on.
    Why would I want to throw my child across the room??? Thank goodness I had a stong support system and then some good meds and got over it in time. So with my second I knew what would be coming, so I took meds from the get go.
    Believe me I KNOW what you are going through. And it does get better. Hang in there

  31. I’m so sorry to hear that. I love to visit your blog. I have a friend that had PPD. She is normally the most happy, glass half-full person, but it was just something she could not control. She did eventually feel better. And so will you. And I think it’s great you decided to share it on your blog. I’m constantly blogging about taking a break from baking because of a diet. And then a couple of weeks later some baked goods show up on the blog. Imagine that! It’s kind of funny how we can share these things with one another. Take care. Hang in there. Michele

  32. Linds – I am so, so sorry – but glad that you are seeking help. Just wanted to know how terrific and talented I think you are and how much you are loved and adored. :)xoxox

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